


"Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a hip-hop dancer!"

by ussmckirk



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 02:22:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1671173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ussmckirk/pseuds/ussmckirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Holy shit…" Jim squinted at the video in disbelief. He dragged the cursor to rewind the vid and played it again. And again. </p>
<p>He stared bug-eyed at the dancer onscreen--a man who'd just finished doing the moonwalk and was now crossing his arms over his chest, gangsta style; a man who was decked out in truly ridiculous gold lamme’ hammer-pants, chains, and over-the-top shades--and told himself it could not possibly be Bones, despite the uncanny resemblance. </p>
<p>Jim rewound the video once more, jaw dropping as certainty set in.</p>
<p>It <em>was</em> Bones.</p>
<p>Jim threw his head back and literally cackled with glee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a hip-hop dancer!"

_This Mckirk ficlet was inspired by Karl Urban’s infamous dance number on a NZ telethon. If you've never seen it, google that shit ASAP. It's fucking hilarious._

 

-

Jim Kirk was a seasoned pro in the art of procrastination. Which is how he’d found himself wasting most of his Tuesday afternoon on a website that featured random holovids. It was a veritable mecca of the pointless, the hilarious, and the downright weird. So far he’d seen a cat who could play basketball, a guy chugging a whole jarfull of pickle juice, and a dog and elephant who were best friends (that one did not make him teary eyed, dammit; he’d just had something in his eye). 

 

Jim clicked on a random vid linked on the site’s sidebar and the sound of hip hop music poured from his PADD’s speakers once it loaded. It appeared to be some sort of cheesy, low-budget variety show. A few guys were trying to dance hip hop, a big sign reading ‘Dancing Dare’ behind them. Trying being the operative word. One man did the worm across the stage. It didn’t go well. Another guy , this one decked out in truly ridiculous gold lamme’ hammer-pants, chains, and over-the-top shades, came into frame; the dancer started doing some crazy hand motions, and then punctuated the move by crossing his arms over his chest diagonally, gasta style.

"Hah! That looks kind of like Bones," Jim commented with a snort and a chuckle. That huff of laughter got stuck in the cadet’s throat when the camera zoomed in closer to the dancer, who’d just done a spin and was now starting to moonwalk.

"Holy shit…" Jim squinted at the video in disbelief. He dragged the cursor to rewind the vid and played it again. And again. He told himself that the man in the video could not possibly be Bones. Jim rewound the video once more, jaw dropping as certainty set in.

It _was_ Bones.

"Holy shit!" Jim burst out again before throwing his head back and literally cackling with glee.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there laughing, but by the time he got a hold of himself and managed to settle down, Jim was gasping for breath and clutching at his aching side.

Jim could have sat there and watched that video on loop all day without getting bored, but a truly awesome idea was starting to take shape in his mind and he’d have to hurry if he wanted to get his plan set up before Bones got home.

 

*****************

Leonard let out a slow breath, rolling his shoulder back as he exited the bathroom in a cloud of steam. It’d been a long day at the clinic he was working at while taking classes. Nothing noteworthy had happened, but it had been eight hours of tedious exams, vaccinations and physicals. The hot shower he’d just taken had done him good, though. He’d used actual water instead of sonics, though water had to be paid for while sonic showers were free. Whatever. Feeling the water pounding on his back and soothing the tension from his muscles was well worth the cost.

Leonard vaguely wondered where Jim was as he walked towards the closet. He’d figured the kid would be home, slaving away at the computer, working on the Tactics paper he had due at the end of the week, but it seemed he was procrastinating instead of working again. Oh, well. Kid better not complain when he had to pull an all-nighter to get it done.

Leonard opened up the closet and pulled open the dresser drawer he kept his underwear in. Only to find it empty.

"What the…" 

Leonard blinked stupidly at the barren drawer for several seconds before looking up at the rest of the closet. 

"…fuck?" he finished as he took in the scene before him.

The half of the closet that held his shirts had been untouched, but his pants? His pants were gone. All that remained was a row of a dozen or so unoccupied hangers. Except, there, dead in the middle of the row, there was one garment hanging alone.

Leonard gaped in stupefaction at the pair of shiny gold balloon pants. They were hideous.

And oddly familiar.

A wave of horror washed over the doctor as he realized just where he had seen the pants—or ones just like them—before.

There was only one person who could have set this up.

"JIM!!!!!!"

At his bellow, the sound system clicked on and a fast-paced hip hop song filled the room.

Bones sucked in a breath. Oh, God. It was the theme song.

From the _show_.

"JIMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!"

Jim must have been standing right outside the door, just waiting for Leonard to holler, because the door was sliding open and Jim was casually strolling through it as soon as he’d finished shouting.

"Hey, Bones. What’s up?" the younger man chirped with infuriating nonchalance.

"You realize I can kill you and make it look like an accident."

"Huh. Cool music you’ve got playing," Jim commented, blithely ignoring the threat to his person. "It’s got a great beat." Jim bopped his head to the rhythm. "You know. It would be great to—" He paused or dramatic effect and then slowly grinned— "dance to.”

Lesser men would have buckled under the weight of Leonard’s glower, but Jim remained unphased, bouncing on his heels in excitement.

Seeing that his ire was not having the desired effect, Leonard’s mortification took center stage.

Rubbing a hand over his still scowling face, he sighed. “How did you find out?” came the muffled lament.

Jim was absolutely not distracted by the way the towel slung low across Bones’ hips shifted a bit when he raised his arms. Nor was he distracted by the bead of water slowly making its way from the bottom of Bones’ belly button to the top of said towel.

"Uh…I found a clip on the internet," Jim managed after clearing his throat.

"The internet?" Leonard dropped his hand and groaned loudly. "Jesus! Anyone could find it on there!"

Jim tried to stiffle his laughter at the look of horror on his best friend’s face.

"So what if they do?" he countered jovially. "You’ve got the moves, Bones! I can’t believe you never told me about this. I’m your best friend." Jim feigned hurt, sticking his lower lip out in a pout. "This is the sort of thing I should have known about."

Leonard snorted. “This is the sort of thing _no one_ should know about.”

The hip hop song came to an end and Leonard breathed out a sigh of relief at the moment of silence that followed. Then promptly felt his eyebrows slant downward when the song started up again. Jim had put it on fucking loop!

"Dammit, Jim," he huffed, gesturing to the closet. "Where are all my pants?"

Jim pursed his lips and furrowed his brow in feigned confusion. “Gee, Bones. I don’t know,” he said, making a show of leaning forward to inspect the half-empty closet.

Leonard gave Jim a warning look. ”Jim, I mean it, Give. Me. Back. My. Pants.”

Jim smiled and pointed to the shiny gold balloon pants.”Your pants are right there, Bones,” he sweetly informed his friend.

"My _real_ pants!"

Jim opened his mouth to answer, but the self-satisfied look upon his face clearly broadcast his intent to give some sort of smart-ass reply, so Leonard cut him off.

"My regular Starfleet pants," he clarified, pinning Jim with his best dark glare.

Jim wasn’t cowed. ”Hmmm. I’d love to help you out, Bones,” Jim responded with exaggerated innocence. “But I have no idea where all your other pants went.”

Leonard looked at Jim searchingly for a moment before, deciding that Jim wasn’t going to crack, he turned to open the other side of the closet. “Fine!” he grunted, “I’ll just put on some of your pants. They’ll be a bit small, but…”

The doctor trailed off as he revealed Jim’s side of the closet, only to find that the other man’s pants were missing as well.

The wild-eyed look on Leonard’s face as he turned back to Jim reminded the younger man of how he’d looked on that shuttle the day they’d first met.

“COMPUTER, MUSIC OFF!” Leonard yelled and surprisingly, the system complied.

Jim literally giggled like a twelve year old, and Leonard’s eyes practically bulged out of his skull.

"Maybe you left your pants down in the laundry room," Jim offered helpfully.

Leonard visibly struggled to keep from snapping.

"Maybe _you_ left my pants in the laundry room,” he muttered through gritted teeth.

Jim just shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to go check.”

"Like this?" Leonard huffed, gesturing to his state of undress.

"You could wear those pants you’ve got there," Jim pointed to the shiny gold pants with a smile.

"I am NOT wearing those pants."

"Why not? You seemed pretty into them in the clip."

"They were _paying_ me to seem into them in the clip,” Bones retorted with a scowl.

"Come on, Bones. Lighten up. Put on your gold lamme’ pants! I wanna see how they look on you!" Jim prodded, genuinely excited at the prospect.

"Not gonna happen, Jim."

"And then you can show me some of your moves! Ooh, you can do that thing with your arms—and I want to see you moonwalk!" Jim paused, eyes widening in delight. "Can you break dance? Or do the robot?"

"Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a hip-hop dancer!"

Jim snickered. “Could have fooled me.”

Leonard’s shoulder slumped and his cheeks pinked in a way Jim refused to admit he found adorable.

"I needed the money, okay? I was in med school and with my interning and classes, I didn’t have time for any sort of regular job,” Leonard explained half defensive, half embarrassed. “It was only a few hours once a week. Shit, I didn’t think anyone would ever actually _see_ it!”

Jim’s eyes softened. “You weren’t bad, you know,” he offered sincerely. “I mean, yeah, you look completely ridiculous. But that was mostly because of the clothes.”

Leonard made a face and pointed to the hideous pants. “And yet you expect me to wear these all around the dormitory corridors.”

"Of course not!" Jim held up a hand and fumbled to get his comm out. He turned it on and held it up so he could use the embedded camera. "Okay. Ready. _Now_ I expect you to wear them.”

Leonard reached out and swiped the comm from Jim’s hands before tossing it on the bed. “I hate you.”

Jim fluttered his eyelashes. “You adore me.”

Leonard looked down, carefully avoiding Jim’s gaze.

"I’m not putting on the pants," he concluded with a decisive set of his shoulders. He set his jaw stubbornly. "I have nowhere I have to be the rest of the evening. I guess until somebody decides to go get my pants back, I’ll just have to hang out around here au naturale.”

Jim froze as Bones' intentions sunk in. “Uh, what?”

Leonard just smiled brightly as, with a theatrical flourish, he pulled the towel from around his waist and dropped it on the floor. He had no problem walking around buck naked. He’d just lounge around in the buff until Jim got tired of seeing his business swinging in the air and agreed to go get his pants back.

What Leonard wasn’t expecting was for Jim to literally squeak in response.

"Bones! What are you _doing_?!?!” the younger man yelped, voice several octaves higher than normal.

Leonard’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. Jim’s had turned bright red and was carefully looking anywhere and everywhere besides at Leonard’s lower half. The two men, having shared a small living space for the past five months, had changed in front of each other before. Granted, that had usually involved a quick towel drop and the sliding on of underwear and pants while turned toward the side. But still, Leonard had not expected this sort of a reaction.

"Damn kid," Leonard commented with confusion, watching as Jim fidgeted around like a three year old who had to potty. "What’s with the blushing violet routine? I know you’re not exactly shy."

"Bones…" Jim’s eyes were darting around quickly, now avoiding both Leonard’s body and his face. "Can you just…put the towel back on?"

Leonard frowned at Jim’s obvious discomfort. “What the hell, Jim? What’s the big deal? You see naked people all the time.” He waved his hand over his crotch area. “This isn’t exactly something you don’t see on a regular basis. In the locker room, or with all those people you go around bedding.”

Jim literally lifted a hand and held it over his eyes. “Yes, but those are either people I don’t want to see naked or people who I’m gonna be having sex with! Not people who I can’t….who I’m trying not to…” Jim’s voice cracked as he blurted out a rushed, “Not someone who doesn’t fit into either category!”

Bones stared. And processed.

His eyes gradually widening in realization. "Jim?" he asked carefully.

"Damn it, Bones! Will you just cover yourself up?" Jim exploded, dropping his hand and glaring at the other man, "I’m not gonna be able to keep it all in any longer. Not if you keep…" he waved his hand, making a strangled sound as his eyes flickered ever so briefly toward’s Leonard’s groin, "keep on letting it all hang out!"

Leonard moved slowly forward, and gently placed one hand on Jim’s neck, holding his head in places so that Jim was facing him. The younger man actually relaxed slightly now that his best friend was so close—it was easier to keep from seeing things he really shouldn’t be looking at from this close up.

"You won’t be able to keep what in?" Leonard asked, voice soft, but demanding.

Feeling trapped and exposed, Jim closed his eyes and sighed. “Nothing,” he muttered.

"Like hell it’s nothing. Jim….tell me," Leonard insisted, not relenting.

Jim’s shoulders slumped. “You’re my best friend, and I can’t fuck that up, okay?” He opened his eyes and the defeat in them was palpable. “I don’t want to make things awkward…”

Misreading Leonard’s stunned silence, Jim winced.

"Shit. I told myself I wouldn’t ruin everything, and now that’s exactly what I’m doing—"

"Why didn’t you tell me?” Leonard interrupted in dismay.

"Uh…I did," Jim countered in confusion. "I kept asking you out first term and, once you shot me down, I tried not to make it obvious anymore. I didn’t want you to get weirded out and want to get a new roommate or something.

Leonard groaned. “You mean….you were serious?” He felt like an idiot. “Kid, I shot you down cause I thought that you were messing with me, You flirt with everyone. I thought that’s all any of that was.”

Jim bit his lip, realizing just to what extent he’s just outed himself. “Oh…well, uh….I meant it.”

The words had barely passed through Jim’s lips before Leonard’s mouth was brushing over them firmly.

Jim gasped in surprise, moaning when Leonard took the opportunity to slide his tongue into Jim’s mouth and deepened the kiss.

"So…" Leonard managed when he finally pulled back, breathing hard, lips tingling. "In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not weirded out."

Jim laughed breathlessly, leaning forward and nipping at Bones’ lower lip before smiling against his mouth.

"Does this mean you won’t say no if I ask you out again?"

Leonard answered with another kiss, this one more demanding and intense than the ones before. Jim literally groaned as Bones pulled away, head moving forward to chase after his departing lips.

"God, you’re good with your mouth."

"I can show you just what other fun things I can do with my mouth," Leonard teased, smirking as Jim’s breath hitched and his mouth formed a little ‘o’ shape.

"But first you’ve got to do something for me."

Jim dropped his hands to Leonard’s hips and, rubbing himself against the other man’s leg, demonstrated just how eager he was to experience Bones’ many oral talents. “Anything, Bones. I’d do anything for you.”

Leonard pushed Jim back until their bodies were no longer touching. “Good,” he replied with a twinkle in his eyes, dropping his voice for dramatic effect. “Then go get my damn pants back!” 

Before Jim could protest, Leonard smirked and added a teasing, “And maybe then I’ll let you get into ‘em!” to seal the deal.

Jim hightailed it from the room like his own pants were on fire.

But he was still determined to get Bones to dance for him someday. And Jim planned to have lots of fun convincing the doctor to bust a move. 

 

************

A/N: Big thanks to Heather for reading this and fixing all my mistakes. She made this so much better!


End file.
